I really had to come to terms with the fact that I had a babies father. It is the most un natural thing possible . And it took years of understanding to really deal with the fact that I had a baby’s dad.
In 1999 I became pregnant with my son Peyton. Telling this story has been one of struggle and embarrassment, struggle because I didn’t want to be seen as someone who had a baby and never achieved anything else besides being a baby’s mom. It was an embarrassment because I thought that I was immune to this . Not that I thought I was better than anyone else, but I had been in college for three years, I had dreams and goals how can a girl with dreams goals and a promising future get pregnant and then gain a babies father. Well it happens its not a thing that your social class can cover up or change it happens but its up to you what you do next.
As women and being full of emotions already it only gets worse with pregnancy. Being pregnant with Peyton was an emotional roller coaster. My body was changing , I was not too sure about my future and I was pregnant with a guy who said…” just because you’re pregnant , we don’t have to be together.” What?! We had been together 3 years prior, what happened?
I had to deal with that ,and at one point he was totally missing from my life, I didn’t have to walk away because he walked away first. I had to walk through this alone. I cried during the sonogram, not because I was having a boy but because I was in the room with my parents. I cried at every doctors visit especially when I saw families walk into the office. I was alone and one most visits the only person who was with me were the doctors and nurses . Each week during the visits the mid wife that I saw would say, I know you are going to make it …you’re going to be somebody. I often wondered how and I have this thing attached to me.
I enrolled in college in Alabama, gave birth on Thursday went back to class for mid-terms on Monday. Quickly my 22 year old body snapped back into place and I was back and so was he. Pretty soon he was playing with my affections and disturbing my emotions. We went through cycle after cycle about he wanting to see Peyton and me making time but each time he never showed up. He was a nice guy, don’t get me wrong and he and his parents .The bad thing about it is that even though that was factual , someone still had to step up and be a parent. I couldn’t step away and leave because I was not ready…and plus how could you not love someone that was flesh of your flesh.
After I finished school and was now working toward a master’s degree the cycle kept repeating itself and as I was getting upset over and over again over the same things, I realized …”Girl you have missed about 6 years of your life worried about someone who has clearly told you in the beginning what he would or wouldn’t do , so why are you hurt.”
After garbage cans and buckets of tears and not understanding why I couldn’t just be normal and raise my son in a home similar to mine , I picked up the pieces because life just didn’t stop because I had babies father. I didn’t get it right the first time , I fell again that time harder. I had to get some things right , correct some habits focus on me. Its so hard to see a clear sky when you are focused on one cloud. I let go of my past and moved forward.
Currently we respect each others position. We still take family pictures with Peyton for the holidays we text each other about twice a month for things for Peyton. Peyton is not a reminder of my failure ,yet a reminder of my pursuit for life. And with every year I love Peyton just a little harder. He’s now 14.
11 years after Peyton’s birth I finally got to experience that family feeling with the pregnancy of my first daugher PK. Her father, my baby’s Daddy , my husband and I walked into the room together both nervous but excited to know whether we were having a girl or a boy. He held my hand as we watched the screen …I was back in Alabama my life made a full circle but this time I wasn’t alone.